Al Veoli: Helpless, Unhappy, and Alone

Dear Al Veoli:

We have been dealing with my husband's son. A 14 yr old, who has a lot of problems (mainly due to his mother's influence.) |The child does not attend a regular school, he is home schooled. Neither his mother nor step-father work. They collect welfare, the child's SSI and the boy's father sent child support.| The mother has repeatedly told the child his father doesn't care for him. The child now has such bad feelings about his father and now has chosen not to visit with us. This is because the mother had repeatedly put in the child's head he has the CHOICE to visit or not visit the father. The child only wants to visit if he is to receive something. The mother has called me some names and said I am not the boy's mother and stop acting like I am. WE want to get the boy in counseling. But the court order says the mother has 100% of the child's medical treatments. Going to court is out of the question, for we cannot afford an attorney. The boy has been caught playing with fire a few times here at our home, and the mother has admitted the child does there also. The child has been cutting off his pubic hairs, lying and saying I have been terribly demanding of him, and that his father pays no attention to him. The boy's stepfather calls him a brain-dead child and has openly admitted to us he has said this. He has also told the child he cannot wait till he is 18 to kick him out. So if you or anyone knows how to legally handle this...please all the help we can get, through emails, articles on the internet, would be greatly appreciated. Hoping to hear from you.

-Unhappy

Dear Unhappy:

It sounds as if your stepson needs professional help along with a new set of parents. If his mother and stepfather are verbally abusive as you say, it sounds as if legal help is warranted. Even if you cannot afford to pay an attorney, please look into local attorneys--either public defenders or members of a Legal Aid Society--who would consider taking on the case pro bono. No child should have to deal with abuse of any kind, and telling a child he is worthless and stupid is definitely abuse.

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Dear Al Veoli:

My husband's ex-family wants to act like they're still his family and it bothers me. We just recently had a baby and he and his first wife never had any children. His ex mother in-law wants to come see the baby and his ex-wife's sister and husband not to mention her brother have already come and call all of the time. He is really good friends with his ex-wife's brother and I feel bad that it bothers me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

-Helpless

Dear Helpless:

When you agreed to marry your husband you took on the conflicts and associations from his past marriage, unfortunately, and it is your burden now to deal with this stuff. Try speaking to your husband and suggesting that he see these people on his own time if it bothers you so much.

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Dear Al Veoli:

I met my boyfriend at an online university. We knew each other for one year before we privately emailed each other. After 5 months he decided to move out to be with me. Well when he got here, the job that he had arranged for fell through, so I had to take care of all of the bills including helping him make his truck payment. That was 1 yr ago. Now I have lost my job. He now has a job and minutely helps out with monies to pay for food, bills, etc, BUT he has the money to go out with the 'guys' and now he's telling me that he has to stay out with 'clients' so he's out late and has not come home again last night. That is a sore point with me and we have talked about the fact that he can call me. But to no avail.

-Alone

Dear Alone:

It sounds as if this person is a user, happy to live with you while you pay the bills and take care of him. You should be able to depend on him for the same care and responsibility share, and if you cannot, he should not be living with you only causing you pain when he does not come home at night. Articulate all of this to him in blunt terms and don't let yourself be a doormat.

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Al looks forward to hearing from you!