Al Veoli: Doubt, Lack, Doubt

Dear Al Veoli:

I am engaged to a man from West Africa. We met and quickly fell in love. He is the first man I have ever been seriously involved with. And every now and again doubt creeps into my heart and I think-- he doesn't really love me, does he? Or I think he might be cheating on me since I am not there to find out or that he only wants to marry me to get to America. I know I am an insecure person and most of the time I just miss him and want so very much to be near him. He has done nothing to lead me to believe any of my doubts are true. But I still get the "doubties" sometimes. Are these just my insecurity issues or should I be worried the universe is trying to tell me that I shouldn't marry him????

-Doubting in Danbury

Dear Doubting in Danbury:

It's natural to question one's attachment to someone--it's even healthy. It's a protective instinct, as it can be scary to devote oneself entirely to someone else. Unless you have specific evidence that this fellow is cheating on you, or using you for a green card, or does not love you--and you mention that these are basically unfounded doubts--then Al Veoli advises to enjoy being in love and being happy with your partner. These things are gifts in life.

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Dear Al Veoli:

I am an old man, not creaky yet, but my wife, who is 30 yrs younger than I, she is creaky, and has no interest in sexual going ons. What shall I do?

-Lacking in Lafayette

Dear Lacking in Lafayette:

There are many options for you; do not despair. If your wife is creaky, and experiences arthritis pain regularly, you could try offering a gentle massage or treat her to a day at the spa in order to get her in the mood. It is possible that she cannot participate in sex right now, but it's also possible that she could be on a medication that helps her feel better, in which case perhaps her vigor would be renewed. You could also try expressing your desires to your wife and see how she responds. If she loves you, perhaps she'd want to please you, regardless of the potential lack of return. Al Veoli cautions that intercourse itself may be out of the question, but other kinds of engagement may be great.

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Dear Al Veoli:

I am seeing a great guy. He has quite a few female friends, most of whom I don't have a problem with - some are single, some are in relationships. However, one of his friends has quite a lot of issues - problems with her family, kids, and does not have a boyfriend at the moment. Before he met me my b.f. helped her out and gave her some money which she has now returned, and he has been a good friend to her and her family. On a couple of occasions she has come up to see my boyfriend, and usually manages to "forget" something, and later phones to ask him if she can come up to get it. A few days ago my boyfriend told me he and a mixed group of friends went out for a drink. Since there were two other couples with them, they ended up more or less paired up together. At the end of the evening, the other made their excuses and went their separate ways. This left him and his female friend together, and when she asked him if she could come up to his flat for a while, he shrugged and said okay. She stayed watching TV and chatting for 2-3 hours till about 10.30pm then left. My boyfriend assures me he is not interested in her. I think she is a nice woman, but I think she has strong feelings for him. I voiced my concerns to him that she feels differently, and my b.f. did say she once mentioned to another female friend that she "just loves him and thinks he's great". I also suspect that she is always fishing for information about the how well our relationship is doing, and how well we get on. We have been seeing each other for a few months. Am I right to be concerned?

-Insecure in Islip

Dear Insecure in Islip:

You're only right to be concerned if your boyfriend expresses more interest in her than he does in you. It seems that he does not think much of her role in his life beyond being a friendly acquaintance. He's mentioned their activities together to you and seems to be straightforward about it, which does not suggest any serious interest in her. At the same time, if he's been a good friend to her and her family/kids, it's certainly possible that she has strong feelings for him--why wouldn't she? Or it's possible she is simply lonely and wants some friendly company. While it's not great to hope someone's relationship goes sour and to keep asking about it, perhaps breaking you up is not on her agenda. If things get sticky, perhaps your boyfriend could spend less time with her, or even ask her straightforwardly if she is interested in a relationship, while he expresses that he is not.

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Al looks forward to hearing from you!